Sundays are for Calls and Voicemails
Mitigating the hidden pandemic
I often wonder if I was born in the wrong era. One of my favorite means of communication is handwritten letters, dated and signed, arriving discolored and slightly bent after going through the post. I prefer calling to texting and social media isn’t my strong suite.
Like most millennials, I have friends and family that I haven’t seen in years, though I would love to speak to. If I happened to pass them in public, we would enjoy one another’s company and exclaim how lovely it was to see one another. But we don’t call each other. We follow each other on social media, liking posts and stories, but we don’t connect verbally. Why? I’m not sure. Maybe it is because we live in a time where you can “keep up” with people without speaking to people.
Yet we are lonelier than ever. I personally feel lonelier than I should be, and I am not an anomaly. America is an epidemic of loneliness, says the Surgeon General. Loneliness is defined as a state of emotional distress from lacking desired interpersonal relationships.[1] But it also is widely known to hurt us mentally and physically.[2] At its worst, it can be as bad as smoking a pack of cigarettes a day. Are smart phones and social media to blame? Or the pandemic? Or our political crisis? I’m sure it’s all the above. “At any moment,” Dr. Murthy says, “about one out of every two Americans is experiencing measurable levels of loneliness.” Being lonely is miserable, global, and not getting better.
Loneliness is so intractable that Dr. Murthy has proposed a national framework for mitigating the cause. And the governments of Japan and the United Kingdom have installed cabinet-level “Ministers of Loneliness ” to tackle social isolation. There are many solutions, and I certainly do not have the whole solution to the “greatest disease of our time”.[3] What I do know is I have 5-10 minutes every Sunday to call someone I love but haven’t connected with. And chances are you also have those 5-10 minutes.
The Cold Call Check-In
But calling is intimidating. And when it’s been months or even years since you’ve spoken with a friend, calling can even be awkward. But it is worth the risk. Plan these calls if you must, but the Sunday cold call communicates “I thought of you, I want to connect with you, and I want to maintain our relationship.”
The other impediment to callings is the sense that the conversation, while rich, would require a long-time commitment. There’s so much life to catch up on, you see. How have you actually been? Are you seeing anyone? These conversations can easily span an hour. While that’s wholesome and wonderful, these conversions don’t have to be intimate or long. There is something especially fulfilling about chatting for 10 minutes, expressing joy in making such a connection, and going about your day. Thus, I think it’s better to keep these phone calls shorter but more frequent. Greater frequency makes for quick, rewarding conversation and reduces future apprehension.
If you are brave enough to call most likely you will get a voicemail. This is your chance to shine. Avoid texting – the person will likely text back. Leave a voicemail. How lovely would it be to receive a voicemail from a friend who said he or she thought of you and wanted to check in. Leave such a voicemail.
Greet Well
I am reading a great book called How to Know a Person The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen by New York Times Columnist David Brooks. He recalls an experience he had with Jimmy, a jovial pastor greeting a ninety-three-year-old woman.
He saw her across the room and came up to our table smiling as broadly as it is possible for a human face to smile. Then he grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her way harder than you should ever shake a ninety-three-year-old. He leaned in, inches from her face, and cried out in a voice that filled the whole place: Mrs. Dorsey! Mrs. Dorsey! You’re the best! You’re the best! I love you! I love you![4]
If you find greeting someone like Jimmy over-the-top or a bit uncomfortable, understand that Jimmy sees every person as a created, loved, and valued son or daughter of God. That’s why Jimmy is a masterful greeter. Brooks writes:
When Jimmy sees a person, any person, he is also seeing a creature endowed with an immortal soul – a soul of infinite value and dignity. When Jimmy greets a person, he is also trying to live up to one of the great callings of his faith. He is trying to see that person the way Jesus would see that person. He is trying to see them with Jesus’s eyes – eyes that lavish love on the meek and the lowly, the marginalized and those in pain, and on every living person. When Jimmy sees a person, he comes in with the belief that this person is so important that Jesus was willing to die for their sake.[5]
St. Paul, author of two-thirds of the New Testament, was notorious for lavishing his friends with greetings and dedicates 16 verses to greet nearly 30 people. His intentionality in maintaining relationships via a rudimentary form of mail all the more emphasizes how Christians ought to maintain relationships in an era of far easier communication.
Offer Attention, Illuminate
Conversate but be wary of multitasking. Sure, fold some laundry, but a distracted, noisy, mentally detached conversation is not a conversation. It’s a task. Attention, on the other hand, is one of the most valuable gifts you can give and receive. It is eye contact – or a phone call – a valuable commodity in our distraction economy. It’s a warm smile that communicates “You are important to me; tell me more.” It’s body language that affirms the true uniqueness of the human being in front of you. Such a gift is rare. Let your conversation offer this degree of Attention.
Brooks coins the term for people who attend to others like this, Illuminators. It’s the perfect word. His chapter, Illumination, is written for cultivating new relationships, but is perfectly applicable to existing friendships.
If you see the people you meet as precious souls, you’ll probably wind up treating them well. If you can attend to people in this way, you won’t be merely observing them or scrutinizing them. You’ll be illuminating them with a gaze that is warm, respectful, and admiring. You’ll be offering a gaze that says, ‘I’m going to trust you, before you trust me.’ Being an Illuminator is a way of being with other people, a style of presence, an ethical ideal. When you’re practicing Illuminationism, you’re offering a gaze that says, ‘I want to get to know you and be known by you.’[6]
Converse in a way that you communicate such a gaze. Call that friend on Sunday, keep it brief yet express a desire for greater frequency, and leave that voicemail. You will be less lonely and so will your friend. That is why Sundays are for calls and voicemails.
[1] Heinrich LM, Gullone E. The clinical significance of loneliness: a literature review. Clin Psychol Rev. 2006;26(6):695–718. [PubMed] [Google Scholar]
[2] Leigh-Hunt N, Bagguley D, Bash K, et al. An overview of systematic reviews on the public health consequences of social isolation and loneliness. Public Health. 2017;152:157–171. [PubMed] [Google Scholar] [Ref list]
[3] Nouwen, Henri Making All Things New, HarperOne, 2009, pg. 32-35.
[4] Brooks, David, How to Know A Person The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen, Penguin Random House, 2023, pg. 29.
[5] Ibid, pg. 31.
[6] Ibid, pg. 32.
I really like this reminder. I too prefer this kind of connection and communication!